After having time to reflect and think about a tragic event that I was thrown into unexpectedly, I have to wonder about the American mental state. Now there’s a lot of aspects to mental health but for this piece, I’m focusing on suicide and depression.
A week and half ago, I experienced a rather traumatic event.
I went to work at my day job like I normally do. I managed to get a flat tire 1/10th of a mile away from work.
Now that itself isn’t the traumatic event. I can handle a flat tire, putting the spare on, driving to tire shop and waiting to get a new tire.
What happened next I never thought would even be a possibility.
I unlocked the gate and started to roll into the parking lot, looked to the left where the picnic tables were and saw a woman on the ground.
Having an encounter about a year and half ago where a druggie broke in that I stumbled in on, my head was thinking another situation like that and here we go again.
Maybe a homeless person sleeping there. Maybe even some one drunk from the bar next door and stumbled on and passed out there because there werent any other cars in the parking lot because of the locked gate. The person was on foot from my first impression.
I got out of my car, started to move closer as I said, “Hey”.
No response.
I said it again…”Hey”. No response.
I walked closer and noticed it was a young female, mid to late 20s, stylish haircut and makeup, nicely dressed in a summer dress.
In my mind, I quickly checked off the homeless person notion sleeping and the drug addict notion. From the way she was dressed, her hair and makeup, it seemed that she wasnt either of those but still never know.
As my first look went from her face and moved down, I saw blood on her chest. Gun and her phone at feet. No signs of breathing and my first glance had a strong suspicion by her 3/4 closed eyes that it wasn’t going to be good. Her eye looked already rolled back and gut instinct was saying it wasn’t good.
I’m going down a mental checklist milliseconds at a time. Purse is sitting on picnic table seat. No signs of robbery because things would be thrown all over the area.
No signs of sexual assault just by the way her body was and no physical signs of a struggle from initial looks when I came upon the deceased woman.
Keep in mind all while all these questions are racing through my mind, I was on the phone to the police and were just about to be on the scene.
Even the police seemed to have some difficulty distinguishing if suicide or foul play.
It was an extremely long ordeal that made my flat tire seem like such a trivial problem to be have had.
The first two days after this discovery, I was ok. Managing and trying to get through all the questions I had.
Why here?
Why was I the one who discovered her?
What was so terrible in her life that it ended like this?
Just to start the list of questions rolling through my head.
I was becoming a basket case and couldn’t get the mental image of her so vivid, exactly how I found her. I was shocked at all the graphic details I retained from the logo of what brand of sandals she had to the type of phone and the the type of gun.
I’m extremely appreciative of the friends that kept following up and checked on me as I truly felt the compassion and amazed by the outpouring of support to help me get through this tragic event.
My phone was off the hook between text messages and phone calls.
It surprised me how many people have been affected by suicide.
But why don’t we talk about any of this?
I have a friend who knew three people who committed suicide.
My best friend from high school did.
I have a family member that attempted suicide.
An average of 7 people commit suicide every hour.
An average of 22 vets commit suicide daily.
90% of those who committed suicide also had some mental disorder.
Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death among 15-24 year olds.
Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death and even greater number than homicides annually in the US.
Businesses lost $193 billion in earnings from suicides.
1 in 4 people, roughly 61.5 million people, suffer some sort of mental illness.
So why don’t we talk about suicide?
I will admit that I had been a very dark place myself about 10 years ago.
I’ve been on my own path seeking growth on many levels and really wont bore you the details but I will say that I know where my darkness was rooted from, and kept trying to move forward reaching for the light of life.
I had thought of places where and how I would end my life. Straight forward, not sugar coating it.
I had discovered a stray rescue through a friend on social media, that was in desperate need of a home and I took him in and had something that I had to live for.
That little malnourished dog was now depending on me every day. He really helped changed my life.
We were like two misfits in this world that a stroke of luck or divine intervention, depending on your theological belief system, or lack thereof, found each other.
So you can tell me that he’s just an animal and that’s your right to believe that. I on the other hand, believe he was out in my life for a reason.
But to me, my dog has truly been my best friend and helped out of my darkest moment and I, in return, helped him find his personality that was hidden in the shell of his bony frame of a body.
It’s amazing how I thought I was saving an animal from the pound and possible euthanasia and I’m the one that ends up being rescued.
If you are experiencing dark thoughts and/or in a dark place, please, please, please reach out for help. We arent mind readers.
The subtle cryptic writings and posts arent always picked up on as so many people are wrapped up in living their lives and the little signs are usually overlooked until after the fact and you’re no longer here.
You are a living, human being. It doesnt matter the color of your skin, your religious belief, sexual orientation, the way you look, how much or how little money you have. You are still a living entity. There is such much you can find to live for if you look for it and want it. But you have to want it.
You can find pleasure in simple things in life if your look for it.
The fire within has to be greater than the desire to
give up and never know what tomorrow could have brought you.
I want to live as long as this life allows me to and be a sponge and absorb all that I can. Perhaps passing on whatever knowledge and/or wisdom I’ve discovered on my time here will help just one person in a positive way.
I am happy that my career path didnt turn out to be successful? Not really.
Do I like that I live paycheck to paycheck and keep trying to re-invent myself constantly?
Not one bit. But I have to keep moving forward.
I’ve found happiness in life. I had to look for it and search for it. But I wanted it and like it has been said, nothing good comes easy. You really have to recondition your mind to a positive mindset and not dwell on the negativity of this world.
There are days that I think just suck. But I still try to find something to be thankful for. I write it down and put it in a super sized mason jar that’s filled with about 180 plus colorful sticky notes with each one having something I found to be thankful for on that given day that I lived this year so far.
I understand that people want to end their lives in a places where their family or friends wont find them.
I’m a stranger and this suicide I stumbled on has affected me deeper than I thought or expected it to.
I can still see her hair, her face, what she was wearing, the position of her body when I found her, where her gun was, where her phone was and every detail that I haven’t described here.
I’m sorry that you were in so much pain and had taken all that you could endure.
I would’ve like to have met you under far different circumstances instead of having all these unanswered questions that keep racing through my mind.
I had to seek therapy to help getting over this tragic ending to this your life. First time I actually had therapy, imagine that. As messed up as I am, this was one thing that sent me over top and had to seek help with overcoming and to prevent/minimize any possible future PTSD caused from your death.
You were a stranger and yet really impacted my life on the night you decide to end your life.
I hope in time, I will find these answers. When my time comes to have my soul live it’s life outside of my physical form, I hope that our souls can exchange an embrace and let you know that I did everything I could to preserve the scene to allow police do what they needed to do and I that I tried to give as much dignity and respect as I could for you. Even through strangers, I felt compassion for you.
I still cant bring myself to walk on those wood planked boards by the picnic table where you laid for your last moments, as I walk around the deck trying to be respectful of you.
I hope that you are at peace with yourself and the pain you felt has subsided.
I cant know what you went through in your life as I cant walk in your shoes but I can try my best to understand and feel empathy for you. I know what something may seem like a ant hill to someone, that same detail may be perceived as a mountain to others.
If me writing this helps open dialogue about suicide, then perhaps you can find just a little comfort knowing that your death is was not for nothing. That your death, like your life, has value and meaning.
If someone is struggling with dark thoughts and they read the link or call the number listed below, then you helped someone to be here with us for a little while longer, and hopefully get the help that they need and in essence, help save them.
If our paths didnt cross in this tragic way, I wouldnt be writing this today about suicide.
I have to believe that writing this as if I’m talking to you and saying these things to you, then perhaps you helped save someone.
Even if just one person that has doubt and read this because of you, then you did something amazing, beautiful and dignified as one of your last accomplishments here with us. And hopefully, even after you’re gone.
Rest well, my friend I never met. Our paths will cross again in time.
If you are reading this and in a bad place at this very moment, please read this and I promise not to take more than 5 minutes of your time…http://www.metanoia.org/
If you need help, The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is here to help…
1-800-273-TALK (8255) or online, http://www.
And I’ll leave with this poem…
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond…Rumi
Namaste,
J’Me Penc
*This article is the sole idea, thought and expression of J’Me Penc and was intended to open dialogue about suicide prevention and getting those in need, the assistance that they are deserving of. This article does not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of 102.9 WBUZ or the Cromwell Radio Group.
Funny the things that bring us to such profound thinking You never know the turmoil the person right next to you may be experiencing We gotta help each other.